Beyond Self-Care: Discovering the Path to Genuine Self-Love
We hear a lot about self-love. We’re rightly told it’s important to love ourselves well.
But what does this actually mean?
Exploring the Confusion Between Self-Care and Self-Love
Too often, self-love and self-care get jumbled together when talking about the need to love ourselves. They’re discussed as if they’re the same thing. This produces confusion and can make a person wonder:
If I’m doing the “right” things, taking care of myself, why do I still feel so empty?
Burned out? Stressed? Detached?
Lonely? Unlovable? Unlovely?
Like a failure?
The Misleading Promise of Self-Care
When the way to self-love gets confused with activities of self-care (but marketed as self-love) you may live a more exciting, albeit probably more expensive, life but once the newness or excitement fades, you feel the same as you did before.
So, you find a new activity or new “way” to love yourself and the pattern starts all over again.
No amount of self-care produces self-love.
I’ll say it again: no amount of self-care will produce self-love.
Why?
Because loving yourself is a result gained.
It’s not an activity.
Self-care certainly can play a role in loving ourselves, but “enough” self-care won’t eventually produce self-love.
So, where does self-love come from then?
Unveiling the True Source of Self-Love
Self-love comes from knowing yourself well and leading yourself effectively.
In order to love yourself, you’ve got to know who you are. What you value, regardless of whether any outside source says those things are the “right” things to value.
The Role of Self-Reflection in Achieving Self-Love
In order to know oneself, one must spend time in self-reflection and self-honesty. And also stop running from anything we discover about ourselves we don’t like or wish wasn’t true.
It’s easy to run from things we don’t like to face. Our world is full of distractions and entertainments designed to keep us focused on those things.
Navigating the Challenges of True Self-Discovery
It’s actually much harder to shut out those distractions, to say no to all of our entertainment or “busy” choices.
To be quiet long enough to let the stillness in.
To let it settle in our inward parts and allow it to probe and us to process what is found.
To discover and find out more about those things we don’t enjoy regarding ourselves.
And to nurture those things we do like so we can become healthier and stronger in those areas.
Building Self-Love Through Genuine Self-Knowledge
As we become more honest with ourselves, we can then lead ourselves into better, healthier, increasingly authentic ways of being and living.
The more you know and understand yourself, the more self-honesty you practice, the more you face those hard places inside yourself, or tackle those things you’d love to run away from but don’t, the more resilience you build; the more self-love you create.
Reflecting on Love: Lessons from Personal Relationships
Loving yourself, just like loving someone you’ve fallen in love with, results from knowing.
You’ve most likely experienced “falling in love”.
You just knew this was your one true love! The emotional high – euphoria!
The bliss of feeling seen, chosen, cherished; one half of a beautiful whole.
A bright hope of a future with your lover…
But then, as you spend time with him, experience life with him, watch him interact with people you care about. Get to know him on deeper and deeper levels; you realize there is more to him than I knew!
Reflections on Personal Growth and Relationships
When your relationship got tested and your lover revealed himself in the areas that mattered, you discovered one of two things.
You discovered you were right! He was everything you thought and more.
You love him for who you know him to be and also because his conduct and who you knew him to be are in sync.
Or, the more you got to know him, the less enamored you became with him. The deeper knowing of him revealed things you didn’t care for.
Self-Reflection: The Pathway to Authenticity
Knowing ourselves works like this too.
When we give ourselves time to reflect on and examine ourselves with honesty, we learn much about ourselves.
We’re actually “hard-wired” to know when we’re deceiving ourselves.
We know when we haven’t lived up to our capabilities or potential; not just in doing, but also in ‘being’. And we know when we’re not showing up for ourselves to that ability.
The Impact of External Noise on Self-Perception
That said, our culture is loud, it’s very loud! And from a young age, we’re conditioned to allow it a dominant role in our psyche. All its noise too often drowns out that “hard-wired” inner knowing we have.
This is especially true when we’ve allowed it constant access to ourselves.
The TV always on.
The constant “news” cycles blaring in our space,
social media,
movies.
a continual parade of one TV series after another,
even constant music ringing in our ears.
All this noise is deafening and deadening to that quiet part of us which makes up our inner self.
The place where self-love grows and flows from.
Navigating Self-Love as a Mother
To complicate things more, when you’re a mother, this noise doesn’t even factor in the constant of children and the noise and busyness that comes with raising a family.
When we are constantly open to all these stimuli, a couple of things happen.
The Cycle of Unsuccessful Self-Love Attempts
One, it becomes increasingly difficult to discern our authentic self from the outside opinions and voices that we mistakenly internalize as our own.
And two, there is no room for us to nurture and develop our essential inner selves, from which our authenticity and individuality stem. This process of tuning in to our inner voice is essential for loving ourselves, as it reveals valuable insights into who we are and what we actually need.
Confronting the Ineffectiveness of Superficial Self-Care
It’s no wonder we feel unsuccessful in our attempts to change how we’re feeling through the practice of self-love. Even though we try—then try some more — we can’t figure out why we don’t feel any better.
So, we practice more self-care, equating it with self-love.
We treat ourselves.
Kick people out of our lives who aren’t making us better.
Get divorced.
Start over.
Find a different job. One where we’re appreciated for who we are.
Take another vacation.
Declutter.
Reorganize.
We DO things.
Yet, still we feel empty.
Burned out.
Stressed.
Detached.
Lonely. Unlovable. Unlovely.
Like we’re failing.
The Essential Relationship with Ourselves
The relationship we have with ourselves is our most important relationship. It’s impossible to give something we don’t have. We can’t give ourselves love if we don’t have love for ourselves.
Knowing yourself well and leading yourself effectively will produce a self-love built on a solid foundation.
One that won’t disappear when your circ*mstances or situations change.
Sustainable Self-Love Through Self-Leadership
It’s not dependent on how much “me time” you’re able to fit into your busy schedule and it isn’t necessary to have any money to attain it.
Self-love built on the foundation of knowing yourself well and leading yourself effectively won’t crumble when life’s challenges threaten to overwhelm.
And you don’t have to wait until the dust settles and you can catch your breath or your bearings.
You don’t have to first check in with all the “noises” of outside forces to see if you’re doing it right. Or if you made the right decision.
Or chose or did the right thing.
Leading Yourself into Well-being
You know what you need, or you know how to figure out what you need, and you’re able to lead yourself into meeting your needs – with confidence.
Because you’ve discovered your authentic self and are leading yourself into an emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically healthier way of being and living.
One that is ever more aligned to your core values, based on actual knowledge of what your core values are, rather than assumptions, assimilations or direct “commands” from the great “noise” around you.
So, are you wondering how this is possible for you? It’s certainly not an overnight process, but it is a fulfilling one. Click here for more posts about knowing yourself, leading yourself and loving yourself.
I’ll end this post, though, with three actionable steps you can begin today that will help you build on your self-love vs. self-care discovery.
Three Actionable Steps to Deepen Self-Love
1. Evaluate Your Noise Levels
Are you someone who never experiences quiet? Is your phone always open? Your TV always going? Social media always talking to you? Is your music always playing? Are these things all happening at once, most of the time in your life?
If so, don’t go cold turkey and shut it all off. That’s a recipe for failure. Pick one and shut it down or turn it off for a set amount of time. It may be easier to chose the same time every day to practice quiet. Try turning one “noise” off for dinner and eating without it.
Or maybe chose the hour before bedtime and start by eliminating one “noise” for that one hour. Slowly add more time and introduce less “noise” as you grow more accustomed to quiet.
Adjust these “noise” levels and practices to fit your needs based on your personal evaluation of the “noise” level in your life.
Cutting down this noise isn’t about creating quiet; it’s about giving your mind a break from the overload that often leads to stress and disconnection from what’s really important.
With less sensory intrusion, it’s easier to focus on things that matter; like being truly present or handling our emotions better.
2. Embrace Quiet Reflection
Reflection during quiet isn’t about learning to enjoy the silence; although I think that’s something all of us could benefit from. Rather, it’s an opportunity to open a dialogue with our ourselves, looking into our feelings and aspirations and understanding the ‘why’ behind the things we do.
This is so helpful when we’re learning to know ourselves on deeper levels. This introspection helps us peel back our layers, shedding light on recurring patterns in our lives.
As we reflect, it clears up our mental clutter. Understanding ourselves helps build our resilience to handle life’s ups and downs, making us stronger and more prepared for whatever comes our way.
Try using some newly created quiet to ask yourself- how am I feeling?
What has been the biggest thing on my mind today? Why?
What gave me joy today?
I highly encourage you to write down your answers. If you don’t like to write, I recommend the DayOne Journal. It’s a fantastic way to get into journaling and would be a great way to document a “Know Yourself, Lead Yourself, Love Yourself” journey.
3. Explore and Prioritize Your Core Values
Understanding and living by our core values is about constructing lives that resonate with the deepest parts of our selves, creating harmony between who we are and how we navigate the world. When what we do in our day matches with our authenic values, we experience peace and satisfaction.
This harmony between our authenic values and our actions reduces our stress and inner turmoil. It also builds our confidence because our choices become a reflection who we are, which makes us feel better about ourselves and helps us make decisions more confidently.
Understanding our authentic core values is a crucial component to genuine self-love.
Again, I recommend the DayOne Journal to help you do this little exercise, if writing with pen on paper isn’t your thing.
Ask yourself, what do I value more than anything else?
Journal your answer and ask yourself if you’re satisfied with holding that value so highly?
Or, if it’s easier, organize these 8 core values in order of importance to you.
- Integrity: Upholding honesty and strong moral principles in all actions.
- Respect: Valuing others, recognizing their worth, and treating them with dignity and consideration.
- Compassion: Showing empathy and kindness towards others, offering support and understanding in their times of need.
- Responsibility: Taking accountability for one’s actions and commitments, being reliable and dependable.
- Courage: Demonstrating bravery and strength in facing difficulties, challenges, and adversity without fear.
- Justice: Seeking fairness in all dealings, standing up for what is right, and ensuring equality and impartiality.
- Perseverance: Showing persistence and tenacity in pursuing goals despite obstacles or setbacks.
- Emotional Connection: Love characterized by strong feelings of affection and attachment that go beyond surface interactions, fostering a sense of closeness and bonding.
If reading this list of eight possible core values gives you anxiety, because you just don’t know which you value more, that’s okay.
Sometimes life disconnects us so much from ourselves we just don’t know.
Be kind to yourself. Pick one. And be okay with where you are today.
Now you have a place to start. Push off from here.
I look forward to hearing about your self-discovery journey! Leave a comment or connect with me by email at: sarah@herheartathome.com
Until next time,
Sarah
